It wasn’t until a very different Alice dazedly stepped off the plane that it hit me. It had been years and a lifetime since I set foot in my “home state” let alone the city I’d always wanted to call home. I’d left them both hoping never to return.

Yet, here I found myself greeting San Francisco as an old friend.

Wandering the echoing gray halls in search of a trace of the city somewhere beyond the airport walls, I was immediately drawn to the rainbow. In this gaudy display of pride wear was everything that colors my life now… and everything that hid away in California’s gray gay capital.

The city always beaconed like a ragtag refuge- full of culture and life and contradictions, finally there had to be a place for me waiting… right?

Somehow, the bright world of the outcasts, the wanderers, the dreamers, the artists all around me was ever out of reach as I walked the streets with only my little gray cloud for company. Slowly, slowly, I caught it- where the glass ended. Moments when I would admit my Japanese major or penchant for K-Pop apologetically; when I would bite back a natural response in favor of awkward silence; when I would insist anywhere you want was fine with me until friends were practically begging me to just choose a café.

Beyond my carefully crafted mask and a saccharine sugar coating, who was I?

Finally I tried shining a flashlight into the murky depths, but I couldn’t begin to see where the layers upon layers of masks ended and the truth began.

Too afraid what I’d find if I searched any further, I spent my cold nights blaming the city that was supposed to be my savior; surrounding myself with idol posters and Japanese books and fluffy dresses- empty artifacts of the Alice I showed the world. Surely this was my chance to fit into the crowd if I could just keep things simple- I was normal, just not in my hometown with more horses than people.

So I’d tell myself, trying and trying even as each new shiny box just didn’t fit.

Again I ran in the hopes of salvation- this time, overseas… dragging every last mask with me and acquiring dozens more on my journey. As they lost a few layers in sparkling Honolulu nights, only to grow heavier than ever under the lonely Nara moon, finally they all came crashing down.

Seeking refuge in the homeland I’d so wanted to escape, I spent months digging through the ruins. To this day I’m still searching. But it was more than enough.

~~

Choosing a rainbow lanyard emblazoned with “San Francisco” to accompany me to my new island home, I felt a sense of loss. I’ll never know what the city could have held for an unmasked Alice… yet in the end, what really matters is I found her. And whether I find my way back to fog city or somewhere else entirely, she’s always coming with me.